Zugzwang

It’s very rare that I sacrifice myself to the sleepy mob in the shadows of social media, but I found myself on the hook today and being toasted alive…and it garnered a brilliant mirror for me to look into.

I’m just coming out and licking my wounds a bit, and assessing which fleshy pieces are mine and which are not.

I entered the space moving my ego’s pawn: anyone with a keen eye could see my weakness. No sacred pause, no centering, zero mastery or aligned action, a fully committed pawn of a pawn out in the open, bare and vulnerable.

It always starts with a “simple question.”

The words laced with pain body, land in other pain bodies.

Game on.

Finding myself somewhere between a zugzwang and resigning-on-the-spot I felt my body respond to the “your move” prodding. It felt like an interrogation suddenly, a part of me holding out for grace, empathy…

Like one drop of hot red blood in fresh cold water…they began to swarm. Circling. Watching. Waiting…

Master-ed by reactions, one-by-one a barrage of programmed story aimed in my direction, a feeding frenzy. I watch my ego panic, while navigating swiftly with as much ‘kindness’ as we can muster - it’s too late.

When someone is committed to victim, do not expect an ounce of grace.
When someone cannot see beyond story, do not expect any understanding.
When someone does not take responsibility for their own emotions, do not expect empathy.
When someone lacks self love, worth or confidence, expect this to be projected onto you.

I resigned when it was very clear that I was not going to get out alive, and the damage is done. Sitting in a pool of my own blood I’m watching the notions of judgement, regret, embarrassment, anger, disappointment…all of it, flood in.

“Hanging on the meat hook…” I realize how nearly impossible it is for us to relate to each other from this place, let alone for any love to rush in. We cannot expect to be seen, reminded, and loved back to ourselves by those who who are hurting. And, more soberly I realize that I too was not able to stay open as love with this energy; and still find it hard as I type this.

The practice is a forever practice, a re-membering. This journey of being 100% human and 100% spirit at the exact same time is sometimes really, really gruesome.

Grace. When it isn’t offered, can you source it from within and offer it to yourself?

And, can this be enough?